Shadow
by Blue Kaminari
Summary: Her life would depend on him, from their childhood at the orphanage until the Kira case. L was everything to her. She was her Shadow... LxOC. Rated T for now, but there will be some M rated chapters in the future.
1. Becoming S, Meeting L

**Disclaimer: **_Death Note _belongs to T. Ohba and T. Obata, and maybe to somebody else, but definitely not to me. I only own Shadow.

English is not my mother tongue and this is my first fic published here, so I apologize in advance if it's bad.

The story is mainly based on the manga, though I'll be using a few very convenient scenes from the anime in the future.

Any kind of review will be appreciated.

A little trivia: Did you know that "Shadow" was originally Watari's name?

It's time to start! Here I go!

**Shadow**

She had just turned nine when she arrived at Wammy's House, in the middle of May, 1990. She didn't feel sad neither happy about her new home, as she had never been very disturbed by her status as an orphan. She just felt she belonged there, since orphanages were for orphans, and she was one. In fact, she was an orphan twice. Abandoned at her birth, she had been adopted at the age of six, but her foster parents died in a terrible car accident three months before she was taken by Quillsh Wammy from the institution where she was temporarly living. She remembered the nurses looking relieved when they learned that somebody were interested in her, as they were afraid she would never find a new home, with her background and "strange behavior". Other children usually avoided her, for she was not really a sociable kid who liked to talk and play like everybody else.

- Mr. Watari, will you take me with you even if they say that I am not a nice girl?" she asked Wammy when he came to meet her for the first time, staring at him with her light green eyes. The matron made a move to reprimand her, but the gentleman waved her to stop. He already knew that the child was extremely precocious, speaking both english and french perfectly in spite of her young age, and showing great artistic skills. He also had been warned that she was always saying straight out what she was thinking, even if her manners were apparently beyond reproach. Her deceased adoptive parents, an english businessman and his french wife, may have had encouraged her great potential, and respected her somewhat strange attitude, understanding her loneliness as they had no other family themselves. Too bad that the unlucky child had been left alone again after their death. Wammy shook his head slowly before answering:

- Do you think you are a bad girl?

- Well, no." she shrugged, "but some of the children think so, because I stay alone a lot and don't like playing with them... Some of the nurses think I have "mental issues", too..."

The matron held back a yelp, wondering how the little girl knew about this last point. The child glanced at her.

- They say I may feel bad because my parents are dead and not me. I don't feel bad, though. Accidents happen everyday, and I am not responsible for them... I am not dead, and I don't want to die either..."

- I see...

- So, are you choosing me because I am said to be a bad girl?

The man smiled.

- No. And I don't believe you are a bad girl. But I heard that you very intelligent child, and I would like to bring you to a place where children like you can freely use their skills and study what they like.

It was her turn to smile, as she rose gracefully from her chair.

- Will I be able to read foreign books and play the piano? I like Erik Satie's compositions... and rock music. I also like mathematics and chemistry. But they don't let me do anything in here...

- Of course...

- That sounds interesting...

So she accepted. The files for her transfer to Wammy's House were quickly filled, and the famous inventor went to take her in a luxurious car a few days later. She seemed unimpressed as she sat in the comfortable limo, and didn't look behind her as she left from her former shelter.

She had left her few personal belongings behind, as it was the rule to enter the House. It was also forbidden to mention anything concerning her former life.

- Some of the children here never had parents, even foster ones, you see... They will feel apart if they hear of family stories...

- You don't need to make this kind of childish excuse. I already understood that your place is a special one. I don't know why, though...

She was absent-mindedly watching through the window as she answered. It had started raining, and the english countryside outside appeared horribly dull to her.

- There is another thing." continued the man next to her. "From now, you will have a new name.

- Why?" She turned to look at him. "Is mine ugly?

- That's not the problem. The other children have a special name too. So they are protected from people from the outside who would like to harm them.

- Then what will be my name from now?

- S.

- A single letter? Does it mean that they already children in your house that are named from the letter a to the letter A to the letter R?

- Yes... and no. You can choose another name if you want, as long as it starts with the letter S. You will see that some of your new companions have names they chose like this too... but others just go with the letter...

- Are you raising children for science or something?" the child frowned. "That sounds so impersonal... like test samples...

Watari laughed. This little girl had indeed a sharp mind.

- I am not going to make any kind of experiment on you, I promise. With those letters, everybody is at the same level. There mustn't be any difference in the way children are treated in my house...

- I see...

She paused and looked through the window again.

- Shadow. My name will be Shadow.

- May I ask you why? If you don't mind, of course. I will not question this choice anyway...

- I don't like the sunlight so much. I prefer staying in the shadows...

They didn't talk much after this until the reached the Orphanage. When she entered the buildind, most of the children were waiting in the hall, curious about the newcomer. Watari put a hand on her shoulder, inviting her to step forward.

- This is Shadow. She will live with us from now. Please be kind to her.

- She looks like a doll" whispered one of the kids. The little girl didn't react. She simply bowed.

- Nice to meet you...

Her skin was fair, almost translucent in contrast to the black velvet of her coat. Her long, curly auburn hair were gathered in a simple ponytail. She was slightly smiling, but her eyes were actually expressionless as those of a porcelain doll.

Really, she could show neither happiness nor sadness, she thought. Everything was new for her, like a rebirth. So, as Shadow, she would wait to see what her life would be in this place before deciding if she could allow herself to feel anything about it. Feelings were precious things not to be wasted, after all...

* * *

All the children of Wammy's House were indeed special. Shadow wasn't sure if some were really "gifted", as Watari had said before, but they were some kind of very unique human beings, in a good or a bad way.

She quickly decided who was worth or her attention and who was not. Kids who were simply very intelligent were the nicest to her, but also the most boring ones. They were just children with great brains, but they would eventually fit normally in the society once they grew up, ending up being famous researchers, politicians, artists, or whatever they would like to be. She felt more attracted to those who seemed psychologically different, as it was far more interesting to watch them. In this category, though, everybody wasn't so easy to approach. There were the creepy ones (like B, who had this crazy thing in his eyes, making Shadow think that he would surely turn into something very bad someday), the emotionally unstable ones (like A, who was literally radiating stress and would definitely snap sooner or later), the "supposed mentally ill but not dangerous" ones (like C, who was swallowing everything she was able to put in her mouth, which didn't really imply that she was gifted in a great way), and other weirdos who were more or less simple to deal with.

And there was L.

L had been the first one to be brought to the House. He was the most intelligent of all the orphans there. L was going to become somebody who would do great things for the world later. And all the other children of the orphanage had to know that their fates were somewhat linked to his.

- If something happens to him someday, his successor will be chosen here." had explained Watari a few days after her arrival, when he had made her come to his room to explain her the purpose of Wammy's House. "Do you understand, Shadow?

- I think so. May I ask something?

- Of course.

- Can I meet L? I have heard a lot about him already, but I have not even seen him yet...

- I was going to introduce you to him anyway... His room is the one next to mine, you see...

And so she met L for the first time. When she entered his room, he was crouching on the carpeted floor, holding a book in one hand and a cookie in the other. He didn't seem a lot older than her (there was only one year and a half between then, in fact), and she couldn't say anything special about his appearance before he turned his head to look at her.

- ...blank..." she murmured. Pale skin, jet black hair partially covering his big black eyes, and... crumbs on his right cheek. She cocked her head, wondering if this was an appropriate appearance for somebody who was suppose to save the world in the future (or something like that), but, well, you musn't judge a book by its cover...

- L, this is Shadow." said Watari, who was standing behind the little girl. "She wanted to meet you...

- Oh..." answered the boy, his face still expressionless. "Well, hello...

- So you are the one on whom my life is going to depend from now?

Their eyes met, black ones showing a little surprise to be deeply examined by green ones. The children at Wammy's usually avoided this kind of eye contacts with him (if not with anybody else...). And this question...

- Not at all. You can do whatever you want of your life... What makes you think it will depend on me?

She made a few steps to kneel in front on him, not taking her eyes off his face as he kept munching his cookie.

- The others talk about you a lot... You are a kind of model for them... But...

She blinked.

- I don't know what to think...

Silence fell. He was eating; she was staring. Watari was standing still in front of the door, leaving the two kids getting to know each other in their own ways, simply wondering what they could be thinking.

- Are ou going to watch me like this for a long time?" L finally asked. "I don't mind, but my face is not so interesting... Why don't you look at something more... constructive?

He put the book he was reading opened in front of her. She briefly looked down at it. Math puzzles.

- Is it a test?

- No. I am just trying to make you stop staring at me like that.

- Left page: 76633. Right page: 142.

He took the book back and quickly checked.

- That's right. You are intelligent.

- I have very good eyes. I never doubt them.

- Really?" He smiled. It was just a slight curve of his lips, but she immediately understood what it meant:"_Then, what do you see?_"

For a second only, she caught something in his dark eyes. She had what she wanted. This boy wasn't just special. He was more. Something... she would never find somewhere else. She smiled back at him, reaching gently for the small piece of cookie on his cheek. He looked surprised again and stroked his skin where her tiny fingers had touched him.

- Thank you.

- It was annoying me from the beginning..." she answered, still smiling. Her eyes had somewhat softened. "I am sorry for having bothered you such a long time, L. I hope we'll be able to enjoy some time together again.

She got back on her feet and started walking toward Watari when he called her.

- You didn't answer my question. About your life depending on me and all...

She stopped but didn't look back at him.

- That's true... My life is going to depend of you...

- Because I am L and you are supposed to work with me in the future?

Most of the orphans were thinking this way at the House, since they had to consider themselves as potential successors - if not rivals - of L.. But the answer Shadow gave was different:

- No. It's because I feel it. That's all.

- Feel...

She knew he was already trying to find out the hidden meaning of her words.

- I don't mean anything else. I just feel it.

She turned to him and their eyes met again.

- An intuition, then... " He said while resting his thumb on his lower lip. She couldn't suppress her smile, finding the view rather cute.

- No. It's not like it's coming from my mind. I don't think about it. I feel it. Like you can feel cold or heat. But in a different manner.

- Like cold or heat, hmm... You are funny, you know...

Her face turned serious again.

- Feelings are not funny. They are precious things...

And she left the room, avoiding Watari's amused look.


	2. About feelings

Two weeks passed between this moment and the second time she met L. She had been thinking about the boy. How could not she be curious about him? But he was not showing up much, and she had started intensive studies in a lot of fields... She couldn't find a good excuse to go to his room alone, afraid to disturb him in whatever he may be doing (she had quickly discovered that some of the orphans were easily pissed off, especially the oldest ones).

It had been a mere coincidence. She had woken up in the middle of the night, thirsty, and had just walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

The light was on in the kitchen. At 2 o'clock in the morning. And L was there, rummaging through the cupboards.

He was looking exactly the same as the first time she had saw him. He was even wearing the same clothes.

- Ah...

He looked up as she had stopped in the doorway.

- Aah... Ffadow... Goof eefeninph.

She blinked. His mouth was full with candies, which made his speech unintelligible, and offered a somewhat disgusting sight.

- Good... evening? It's 2 in the morning... What are you doing here?

He swallowed loudly before answering.

- I was hungry. What about you?

- I wanted a drink...

He waved his hand while looking back at the cupboards.

- Go on... Don't pay attention to me...

- Do you suffer from eating disorder or something? It's not good to stuff yourself with sweets in the middle of the night, you know..." she said while taking a glass in the sink.

- I don't have any problem. I am just hungry. Don't worry anyway...

- You are making quite a mess... What are you searching for?

- I feel like having cake... or cookies... or...

He heard her open the fridge and a plate appeared in front of his eyes, with an entire chocolate cake on it.

- Here. I made it yesterday. You can eat it...

- Oh, thanks." he answered while taking the plate and the spoon she was handling. "It looks nice. You really made it?

- I wanted to use the chemistry lab, but A was there. He got mad at me for no reason and I left. I was upset so I ended up baking a cake.

- You cook when you are upset?

- No... But cooking is a little bit like chemistry. Anyway, the cake is not good. I put too much sugar...

He took a spoonful a quickly shoved it in his mouth.

- I think it's tasty...

- Whatever... At least it's not wasted...

She sat at the kitchen table. He sat in front of her, his bare feet on the chair and his knees against his chest.

- What's that way of sitting?

- I feel better sitting like this. You know, "feeling"...

She frowned.

- Don't tease me, L...

She paused, seemed to think for a while, then lowered her head, her eyes softening.

- Well, I should not have mentioned it at the first time... You can have fun of me if you want...

- It wasn't my purpose... I was just curious about what you were meaning last time...

- I told you I didn't know...

She bit her lip.

- In fact, I don't really know what is the meaning of "feeling" either... Somebody told me that was what "feeling" was... Like, when it's not coming from your brain... She said it was OK if I didn't like her even if she was loving me and taking care of me, because she was feeling this way...

- Your mother?

She startled, suddenly remembering what Watari had told her about saying anything concerning her past life.

- I am sorry...

- I don't bother about it... You can talk about your family if you want... It doesn't affect me...

- She wasn't my mother anyway... Just my stepmother...

She lowered her eyes.

- My foster parents were nice people... But... I couldn't think more about them... It was just like that... My stepmom used to say it was all right... Feelings were special and precious things, and it was not something you could decide about... She said that she hoped someday I would feel about her as she felt about me... But she died... And it bothers me not to be sadder about it...

- Don't get frustrated about it... You can't help being yourself...

She watched back at him. He had already eaten half of the big cake. There was chocolate cream on his nose. It looked like this boy was finding hard to eat properly...

- I am not very comfortable with emotions and feelings either... But it's not that bad... Your foster mother may be right... This kind of stuff can't be decided about...

- Thanks for your understanding...

- I just said what I thought... but...

He bent to look at her, his face very close to hers.

- You like me, then?

She blushed , and looked disturbed by her own reaction.

- That's... not it...

- You said you felt like your life would depend on mine... Then I must be important for you... which is strange, because you only saw me once...

His voice and face were still expressionless. She was still feeling very uneasy.

- I just felt this about my life here... I don't know about you...

Something was not convincing. She was annoyed about it, but couldn't say why.

- I said what I felt, that's all... I didn't think about it more than that... It was like testing you, maybe...

- I don't mind, you know..." he interrupted, chewing on his spoon.

- What?

- If you like me...

He stood up, holding his plate.

- You are a cute girl... I suppose that makes me lucky...

She jumped off her chair as he was going to leave, trying to ignore the flush on her cheeks.

- Wait!

- What?

- Can I come to your room sometimes? To talk...

- Yeah, why not?

He chewed another piece of cake.

- If you bring me some sweets, it will be more than welcome...


	3. Birthday fever

Thanks for the readings and reviews! I will do my best to finish this story properly! It may take a little time, though... My job is taking me lots of time... But I already have the whole story in mind, which means you will see the end of it someday! Until then, L and Shadow have plenty of things to do together!

I have to apologize again for the spelling and grammatical mistakes. As I already wrote, English is not my mother tongue. I am a french woman living in Japan, and I don't have chances to use my English everyday... I am using several spell checkers, but I don't trust them so much... A Beta Reader would be welcome, I think...

Here is the third chapter of _Shadow_! Enjoy!

* * *

She started to come to see him once or twice a week, always bringing with her some cakes she had especially made for him, with an extra amount of sugar. He would eat it as they talked or study together. Sometimes they didn't exchange any words, just quietly reading in the same room, appreciating each other calm presence. Shadow even ended up enjoying the sound of the boy's almost constant ingestion of sweets, finding it somewhat soothing.

If she couldn't meet him during the day, she would come in the middle of the night, as she knew L didn't sleep a lot (he had explained her he had too much to do, so he would sleep only when he couldn't help it), and wanted to get used to sleep only a little herself (if the most intelligent person she knew was doing it, then it must have been worth giving a try). But on those times she usually ended dozing off, and would feel ashamed when waking up in the morning, tangled in the blanket the boy used to cover her pajamas-clad body.

Summer passed slowly, and Shadow increased the number of her visits, sometimes hiding in his room to avoid going outside, even if she would be scolded afterwards by some staff of Wammy's because it wasn't good for her health to stay inside all the time.

Nothing disturbed this routine until the beginning of autumn. Shadow fell seriously ill then, being confined to her bed by a high fever. She spent three days being half delirious, regaining consciousness in the beginning of a cold night.

- I don't want to die...

Her faint voice sounded like she was sobbing. Her glazed eyed searched for help in the semidarkness of the room. She tried to get up, but her body was too weak.

- You shouldn't move. And I don't think you are going to die today.

A quiet voice between chewing noises. This could be only one person.

- L...?

- Welcome back to reality.

She slowly turned her head to look at him. He was crouching on a big armchair next to her bedside table, which was covered with candies. His look was the same as always, as if he hadn't care about her state.

- Why are you here?

- This is the only quiet place I could find. The party is too loud...

The party? He was certainly referring to the Halloween party, but it was only in a few days... wasn't it?

- What day is it?

- Wednesday.

- What?

- Wednesday, the 31st of October. Do you want to know about the hour too?

She frowned. Her head was aching.

- So... I have been here since Sunday?

- You still know how to count. That's good.

- What happened?

- You got ill and spent 3 days talking nonsense in your sleep. You also insulted lots of people I don't know, it seems...

- Eeh...?

- It's OK. It was in french. Only a few people got it. I didn't know you could say such nasty things, though...

- I don't remember.

- It would be better if nobody remembers.

- Hmmm...

She closed her eyes. Her body was so painful...

- You should take some medicine and sleep.

- I don't want to sleep... I don't want to see crazy things again... I don't...

She started to shake, put she froze as he put a finger on her forehead. A sticky finger.

- Calm down. You must rest. I'll call somebody.

- Don't...

- Only if you take your medicine and sleep.

- You'll stay with me?

- Yeah. Take this.

He somehow managed to take a box of pills in the middle of the candies next to him, and handed it to her with a glass of water. She swallowed everything slowly.

- Now, good night.

She rested her head more comfortably on her pillow. Her mind was getting foggy again.

- L...

- What again? If it's for candies, I won't give you any. Sick children don't eat sweets. That's also why I will eat what I got for you at the party.

- I don't mind... Can you check something in my desk drawer?

- What?

- Please... I promise I won't bother you after this...

He sighed and stood up. She heard his footsteps and the sound of the drawer opening.

- That's for you...

There was a small box of white chocolate truffles. And a toothbrush. Delicately wrapped with in a dark blue ribbon.

- Happy birthday, L..." she whispered. He looked at her, his eyes far wider than usual.

- How do you know about this? This is supposed to be a sec...

He didn't finished his sentence. She was asleep, a gentle smile on her lips. He carefully took the toothbrush from the drawer, and examined it while bitting his left thumbnail.

- Worrying about my dental hygiene, huh? What a funny girl indeed...

* * *

- So, how did you find out?

It was eleven in the morning on the first of November, 1990, and the chocolate truffles had been already eaten. L was now in a very inquiring mood.

Shadow's fever was almost gone. She was not allowed to leave her bed yet, but her mind was clear and she could talk for a while.

- It's not such a big deal..."she said, tried to untangle her hair with her fingers. After 4 days of tossing on her pillow, it was no surprise that her long auburn tresses had become rather messy.

- It is. You know the rules about personal information here. Especially about me...

- Are you mad?" There was a hint of amusement in her eyes. Most of the time, she was the one asking questions. It was like she had been challenging him, and it was really entertaining.

- No. I just want to know how you learned this.

He was enjoying the challenge as well, it seemed.

- It was in Watari's files. No big deal, I told you." Her fingers were not making any good to her hair. Five minutes of pulling the same strand, and the knot was still there.

- You checked his computer? But the files are in a locked closet...

- I picked the lock. And after this, I searched on the computer. Those machines are kinda stupid, you know... And Watari should be more careful about his floppy disks, too... What?

He had bent to look at her. His face was a little too close to hers again, making her ill at ease.

- Are you a spy?

She raised an eyebrow.

- Have you suddenly become stupid?

- All this things only to know my birthday... That's weird...

- I wanted to know. And when I want to know something, I don't give up easily. You can call it "spying", but for me it's just determination. I just saw medical reports. There is no way I could know your name or any other important information with that. Unless the fact that you don't have diabetes or weight problem in spite of your weird eating habits is a piece of important information. Now what? You are going to tell Watari?

- No need. As long as you don't speak about it to anybody.

- I just wanted to know for personal purpose, anyway... Hey!

He had taken her hand from her hair, and seized the lock she was pulling at between two fingers.

- Let me do it. You'll get no good result like this.

Her cheeks turned bright red.

- Don't you know anything about intimate space?

- I know about this about as much as you know about not searching in Watari's files...

She sighed.

- My hair may be kinda dirty... I couldn't wash them for 4 days...

- I'll wash my hands after this...

- At least, use a proper brush. There is one in this drawer...

- OK...

A few minutes passed silently. Still blushing, Shadow wasn't moving, afraid that it may disturb the boy who was carefully brushing her hair. He seemed very concentrated on his task.

- Are you enjoying yourself, pampering me like a doll?" she finally asked.

- You don't like being considered as a doll, do you? You're always talking about that...

- Some people used to treat me like this in the past...

- You are not a doll. Dolls have no brains. It's just that you don't look so pretty with messy hair...

- My, you are awfully nice today!

- It's a way to thank you for the birthday gift... and for worrying about my teeth.

- If you are going to be somebody important someday, having rotten teeth will not help...

- My appearance is not so important...

- If you care about my hair, I can care about your teeth...

- Is it a deal?

- What? Do you want to play with my hair again?

- Why not? It feels kinda good... Here, it's done.

He let go of the last strand he was holding. She touched her hair and turned her head to watch his face. He was smiling slightly.

- That's definitely a better look for a little spy...

- Now you have a new reason to tease me...

- I am admiring you, in fact. By the way, where did you learn to pick locks?

- Some orphanages have horrible doors. It had been a necessary learning when I was five years old.

- It may be useful in the future...

- Why? Are you planning to lock me somewhere?

- Who knows?

She laughed. This moment was sweet. She could easily get used to it... and she knew he was feeling the same.


	4. Christmas sweaters and experiments

Hello everybody!

I have to apologize because I realized last week I made a mistake while updating the chapter 3 of this story... The chapter 2 had temporarily disappeared, and there were two chapter 3... Sorry! I will be more careful in the future...

Anyway, here is the fourth chapter of _Shadow_... And, even if I didn't really write it on purpose, this is a Christmas one!

* * *

- A cat licking a lollipop.

- That's not a lollipop. It has flowers on it.

- A cat eating a flower bush?

- It is supposed to be related to Christmas, you know. I don't know any country where cats eat flower bushes for Christmas...

- There must be a place in the world where a cat ate a flower bush on Christmas day...

- There also must be a place in the world where this idea wouldn't be stupid. Anyhow, I really don't know why the cook would have thought about this while making this... this...

- It's still a sweater. You can say it.

It had been the subject of their conversation for the last hour. A multicolored sweater made of thick and scratchy wool, that Shadow had put on display on a chair so L and she could examine it in detail, sitting on the floor in front of it.

It was the afternoon of the 25th of December. The weather was horrible but, even if they had to stay inside, most of the kids of the orphanage were enjoying the holiday, having no obligation of study. It was the only day when they were allowed to behave like normal children of their ages.

But L and Shadow didn't like behaving like normal children. It would have been lying to their strange selves anyway. And Shadow had received this unique gift after lunch... It was too "interesting" to be neglected.

It was a fact that the cook of Wammy's House, a middle-aged single woman, had taken a liking to Shadow. It was certainly because the girl was spending more time in the kitchen than any of her comrades. The gentle lady was probably thinking the child liked cooking and being around her, which was totally untrue, since the only reason Shadow was there was L's constant craving for sugar. Anyway, for she had been very worried about Shadow's health since her illness of the previous month, the cook had decided to knit something warm for the "frail little miss". As a result, the girl had received the most horrible Christmas sweater she had ever seen.

L had stated later that she was a good actress, since she had nicely smiled and thanked the woman for her gift. Shadow had answered that it was just a way to get the right to do whatever she wanted in the kitchen. They had then tried to understand what was represented on the garment, for the cook's style was somewhat confusing. So far, they had identified a Christmas tree, a snowman and L was seeing an angel "upside down with one wing off, or maybe it's just his arms". Now, they were focusing on a big pink spot just in the middle:

- It's definitely an animal. But not a reindeer, nor a dog...

- I still think it's a cat. A seating cat with some food in its mouth.

L was really concentrating, while drinking slowly what was supposed to be hot cocoa, even if there were more sugar and cream than chocolate in it. Shadow was both amused and amazed by the boy's way of thinking about trifles as seriously as he could analyze a psychology theory. Sometimes he seemed just unable to know what was meaningful and what was not, like a baby knowing nothing about the world around him. Or maybe was he purely ignoring this world? What was the real nature of L's universe? She was only starting to discover it...

- Why are you always thinking it's eating something?

- I don't know... Maybe it's because I feel like eating something myself...

- You just had something like a dozen cookies one hour ago...

- My brain uses a lot of calories.

- Just by looking at a sweater?

- It's a little like getting in the cook's mind by looking at this.

- And you think it's is going to be helpful? Like... you'll know how to make her bake you more cakes?

He looked up, thinking about what she had just said.

- I haven't thought about this. You're clever.

- I didn't say that seriously.

- I know. Anyway, I already have you for extra sweets...

- Thank you for giving me so much importance..." Shadow answered, cocking an eyebrow. L pointed a finger at her.

- I've got you again.

- As if I was still taking your words literally...

- You haven't been here for a year and you are already jaded. What a pity...

She glanced at him. He was still staring at the sweater in front of him, slurping his now lukewarm cocoa. She smiled.

- There is no way I can get bored with you...

- Oh? Is this a matter of "feelings" again?

- What if it is? It's been more than six months that I know you and I still think the same as the first time we talked to each other...

Still gazing on the sweater, he put his mug on the floor and rested his hands on his knees,

- So you like me.

- No. I just love losing my time baking cakes for people I don't care about... and spending hours with them for no reason.

- Nice one.

- You asked for it.

He bit his thumb while looking up, which was indicating he was thinking.

- I still don't quite totally get it...

She sighed.

- What? The fact that I like you?

- Among other things...

She was not blushing this time. The conversation sounded more like discussing a complex problem than confessing feelings.

- You know, I am starting to understand my stepmother better...

- Do you think I am unable to return your attentions? You may be right...

- Sometimes your way of always leaving everything in a state of uncertainty is really annoying.

- Should I give you percentages? It would sound more rational, but wouldn't change anything at all.

- Let me experiment something...

Before he could answer anything, she quickly grabbed his left arm and pulled it so he toppled over and ended up lying on the floor with his head in her lap, still facing the sweater on the chair in front of them. Surprised, he tried to get up but she stopped him by putting her hand on his shoulder.

- Stay like this. That's the experiment.

- And I was the one who didn't know about intimate space...

- You never respect this kind of rules, and I don't think it will ever change, so I don't know why I should be the only one to bother.

- Ok. And now what?

- Nothing. Just don't move. Don't try to look at me, and... try to relax.

- Could you at least explain me the point of all this?

Her hand had moved from his shoulder to his hair, and she had started to stroke it very carefully, as if she didn't really know the right way to do it.

- When I started to live with my foster parents," she began, "I used to have lots of anxiety attacks. At those times, I didn't want to be touched, but I wanted to feel I wasn't alone at the same time. After a few months of struggle, this position was the only one my foster mother found to soothe me, and the only one I didn't hate. We could spend hours like this...

- I don't feel anxious right now...

- I know. Let me continue: in fact, I was sorry for this woman who was keeping this uncomfortable position for so long, and only for me, who didn't even really like her. Her legs must have been aching and all... But I get her reasons now...

- Because your legs are hurting too?

- Don't make fun of me again. Instead, tell me: does it feel good to stay like this?

He waited a few seconds before answering:

- Yeah. But it's not very convenient to think...

- That's the point. It's better if you don't think too much, since it's a matter of feelings. Anyway, that's the result I wanted.

- Because even if you have stiff legs after this, you are fine with it because it makes me feel good.

- Exactly.

- As your foster mother didn't mind staying like this for you, because she loved you. Even if you didn't love her back.

- Yes... And the posture is less terrible than I think, too... You're not that heavy... and your hair is funny to touch.

By the way he could feel the tip of her hair tickling his cheek. He guessed she had lowered her head to watch him.

They remained silent for a few minutes. Shadow didn't really know if her "experiment" was going to let her know better about the older boy's thoughts, but she could at least enjoy the moment.

- You know, you may be mistaken about one thing..." L said finally, in his usual quiet tone.

- About what?

He reached up to lift her hand so he could turn over onto his back and look her in the eyes.

- I said that you _may_ be right about my feelings. Which implies you can be wrong too...

- Could you make yourself just a little bit clearer?

- I think I like you, too...

Was it her blushing face that made him smile, or did her cheeks flushed even more after she saw this cute and lightly teasing curve on his lips? There was no way to know the answer...

- By the way,"the boy continued, pointing at the sweater, "the pink thing is a sheep. It's easy to figure out from this position...

- As if I cared now!" She was mad at herself for feeling so weak against him, especially when he was telling her what she wanted to hear. If those emotions were precious, they were also really difficult to deal with...

He was just watching her, standing still and smiling gently. She couldn't keep her eyes off his lips. This smile... She was far from knowing what crazy things she would do for it in the future...


	5. The downside of love

Thanks for reading and reviewing this story! You can't imagine how happy I feel every time I receive an alert about this!

I realized that I am mixing British english and American english a lot while writing. Sorry about that. I am not always able to tell the difference between the two by myself, in fact.

Chapters also have titles now. It's just for the fun.

Before the new chapter, which is explaining a little bit more about Shadow's mind, I would like to write a few things about the characters:

Shadow has no special power, but you can feel free to think she has! I am glad that readers imagine things about my stories. Imagination is the key to everything!

I am trying not to make L too much OOC (I am not sure I am succeeding, though). The original story shows he can be sentimentally interested in somebody. It's just that he won't act like anybody else... Some essays have suggested that may have a kind of autism. I am not really sure about this. Anyway he does suffer from several psychological disorders. I am trying to keep this in mind when I write about him.

Shadow has obvious anxiety and affective disorders (she is very aware about it, but doesn't care so much). This explains her way of talking about feelings. Before meeting L, she has always made an important distinction between what she was thinking and the emotions she couldn't regulate, including love in the latter. In order to please her anxious self, she has been unconsciously avoiding any kind of affection, caring only about the rational things she was able to control. What she knows about love is mostly what she has been told about by her foster parents. She has tried to find out a rational "loving process" that could help her to deal with social relations, but, of course, she hasn't been successful, as love has no rule.

Now, her way of acting towards L can seem strange, as she may show her affection for him too quickly or too directly. But this is also in order to feel better with her anxiety disorder. She can't help liking the boy, so she will just do what makes her feel good about it, even if it's not considered as "normal". Her ways of showing her feelings (like spending so much time to please him, cooking and so on) and the rituals between them are very reassuring for her, and I think it's the same for L, who's also so inclined to repetitive behaviours.

That's all for the characters analysis (I know, I am thinking far too much about this... I may be a little like Shadow myself.). Here comes the fifth chapter of _Shadow_!

* * *

Shadow had never thought she could have missed someone.

Until that moment, she had been lonely, but this was her choice. She had never felt the need of having people around her for any kind of sentimental reason. Only natural necessities like hunger or illness would make her get closer to other human beings, but it was more coming from instinct than from a wish to receive some love. After all, her status as an orphan indicated that nobody had specially been requesting her presence in this world in the first place, so she had made her mind about it and carried on living only for herself.

Orphanages were not good places for feelings. There were too many children needing help, and not enough persons to take care of them. The staff members were not supposed to show affection. Shadow had never really hoped for a family like some of the other children, and when she had been adopted, she spent a long time wondering why she had been chosen. Was it because of her look? Or because she never asked for the attention of her foster parents every time they came to the institution where she was living? For her, choosing a child to adopt was a little bit like selecting a puppy at the pet shop. Couples wanted a kid, and they were just taking the one they found the best for them, weren't they?

Her adoptive parents had explained her once that they had chosen her because she seemed to be too lonely. They could not believe that a six years old girl had given up love. Shadow answered them that she couldn't give up something she never had and didn't even know. Humans were social animals, but some were just fine staying alone, which was her case. She was sorry that they may have been mistaken about her, and was sure it would have been better for them to have adopted a child who was more in need. They asked her never to say those words again, as they loved her the way she was and had no regret. She agreed, but nothing really changed...

It was like she was living in a little bubble. There were lots of people around her, but she was apart from them, observing them as they were all living together, and not understanding why they needed the others so much. She was not feeling good or bad, happy or sad... She was not really feeling anything, in fact. Life was just like this.

And someday, in the middle of the crowd, her eyes had met those of another child living in another little bubble. Black eyes half covered by black tousled hair. L.

She had somewhat imagined that people like her existed, but she never thought she would meet one of them. And this was strange. Strange because she actually got interested in the boy. Strange because she started to like him. She couldn't tell why, but it seemed that when their two little bubbles came close to each other, they joined to create another one where they would live together.

When she was with L, she was feeling secure. She didn't have to explain herself about how she was behaving. She didn't even have to talk, in fact. L was like this kind of imaginary friend children sometimes have when they can't find anybody to share their feelings... but L was real. He allowed her to stay apart from the others, because everything that was happening with him was staying between them. L was not asking anything. Or if he was, she wasn't realizing it, because the things she was doing for him were what she wanted to do anyway. He was accepting her the way she was, and she was reciprocating. Everything was perfectly simple.

She had begun to have feelings, and it was because of him. For the first time of her life, she was happy to be with somebody.

But this had a downside. Something she was totally immune to before, when she was alone.

When L wasn't there, she was feeling awful.

She experienced this for the first time at the end of January, 1991. L had started a kind of intensive training to improve his skills, and this program involved travels. When. where and for how long? Only Watari knew the answers to those questions. It was a way for L to develop his adaptation capacities. Shadow was not in a position to say anything against this. But, one evening, when L told her that he would be leaving in the early hours of the following day, she could not help being annoyed. However, she didn't say anything. It would have been unfair to him, because he was just being himself and doing what he had to do.

She thought at first that it would be just like before. She would spend the day studying alone, eating alone, enjoying herself alone... but something wasn't right. In fact, nothing was right. Those last months, without noticing it, she had started to live a life that was totally based on L's. She was doing what was helpful to him, studying topics they were discussing about, trying to be available anytime he could need her, not to mention cooking for him and managing her sleeping time to meet him, when she was not directly sleeping in his room...

She didn't know how to describe her condition. Was she sad? Angry? Lost? Worried? Totally ridiculous? Everything and nothing at the same time? Why had her foster mother never mentioned this annoying part about liking somebody?

She thought a lot about her life, and about her future. Since her arrival at Wammy's House, she had allowed herself to seize the day, somewhat blinded by her interest in the boy. But this could not last longer. They were growing up, and, if she did not find a way to stay close to L, they would someday part permanently... She was only 9 years old, but she knew what she wanted: she had to stay with L. It was more than a wish: she needed to be with the older boy. And she would not change her mind...

L's first trip lasted one week. He came back at the orphanage in the middle of the night. He was barely surprised to find the door of his room unlocked, and Shadow sitting on his favorite armchair, waiting in the darkness. He thought she was looking like a little ghost, with her white nightdress and her pale skin. Only the long curls of her hair were adding some contrasts to her small figure.

- You'll catch a cold" he said, glancing at her bare feet.

- I'm OK...

- I guess you picked the lock again... How long have you been here?

- An hour, maybe... I couldn't sleep and I didn't feel like staying in my bed... I came without really thinking...

- I see...

He kicked off his shoes and sat on his bed.

- Other people might get in... I'd rather give you a spare key next time...

- L...

She went and sat next to him. She knew that she couldn't question him about what he did during his trip. He would talk about it only if he felt like doing so. For now, he was back with her, and this was the most important thing.

- You look tired" she said, lightly touching a dark line that had appeared under his left eye. "When was the last time you slept?

- Yesterday night.

- You know that it's proven that lack of sleep is reducing life expectancy...

- I'll die young anyway...

- Whatever... Come on...

She leaned backwards so he could lie on his side and rest his head on her lap. Since their Christmas "experiment", it had become one of L's new habit (or whim?) to sleep using Shadow as a pillow. He had stated that he was sleeping far better in this position, and the little girl was glad to be able to encourage him to rest more. At least, when they were like this, she could check that he was really sleeping sometimes. Moreover, it would have been stupid to refuse an opportunity for getting closer to her friend.

She heard L sighing and felt his body relax as she started to caress his hair. This too had become usual. It seemed that hair were taking a big part in the boy's way of getting rid of stress: when he was not brushing Shadow's tresses, she had to stroke his...

- So you can't sleep..."he started, "did you miss me this much?

She frowned. Was her mind so easy to read?

- You make me think too much... That's why I can't sleep...

- You are the only one you make yourself think. I didn't ask anything...

- You know what I mean...

- Breaking habits is a hard thing, isn't it?

- Especially when habits are taking you so much time... But I don't care about that... It not the habits themselves...

- ... it's the person you share them with...

She wondered if he could have missed her too. It was only one week...

- Speaking of habits, I'll have to get used to taking the plane... They didn't let me seat properly...

Shadow smiled.

- You have to admit that your "proper" sitting manner is not very common...

- You never complained about it...

- I am not a stewardess...

- You never complain so much about me in general...

- That's the meaning of liking somebody, I think...

He may have fallen asleep while she was answering, as she got no reaction to her last words.

She almost did not move during the following two hours, silently watching the exhausted boy. Her face was the first thing he saw when he woke up.

- What time is it?" He was always asking the same question after resting, afraid that he may have "lost" too much time.

- Half past three in the morning. You can sleep more...

- I am fine. Aren't your legs hurting too much?

- Not at all.

- Great..." he smiled, stretching his arms." You know, I definitely sleep better with you...

- "on" me, you mean...

- No. "With" you...

- That will make a good reason for you to come back here...

The curve on his lips faded. He knew what she meant. He didn't know anything about the next time he would leave the orphanage, nor about all the other times... The only sure thing was that one day, he wouldn't come back. And what about her?

- You know," he said, not moving from her lap, "I'm not sure yet, but it might be fun to work in law enforcement someday...

- Law enforcement?

- Watari made me meet some European investigators in several countries last week... It seems that my skills are kinda good in this field...

- Oh... So you want to be a detective or something like that?

- Maybe...

- As you want... but it's a little bit hard to imagine you making researches everywhere by yourself and talking to plenty of people to find information about a case...

- I can have some jobs done by other people... Can't I?

- People working in your shadow?

- People working... as my Shadow?

They smiled again, their eyes locking. Who was reading the other's mind now?

- This could be nice..." she simply said. It was clear as crystal. He cared about her, and she wouldn't stay back forever. But she had to prepare herself for whatever would happen in the future.

She thought it was funny she had chosen this word as her alias when she arrived at the orphanage. At that time, she couldn't guess it would mean so much about her life...

From now, she wouldn't just be Shadow...

She would be L's Shadow.

That would make a wonderful difference.


	6. You can't fool your shadow

Hello everyone, and sorry for not having made any update for two weeks. I have been working so much I couldn't find any time for writing. Japanese New Year Sales are something terrible...

This chapter may not be so interesting concerning the romance, but it is necessary for the plot. The "Real Thing", as Shadow calls it, is coming very soon...

Please read and review! And tell me if you got the trick in Shadow's alias! It's kinda easy... It will be explained in chapter 7 anyway!

* * *

Since she had made a choice about her future, Shadow's life was perfectly organized: when L was at the orphanage, she was taking care of him, even more than she used to. They were almost always together in his room, making up for all the days they could not spend with each other. L was telling her about his travels, and she was explaining him how she was progressing in her studies.

When L was away from Wammy's, Shadow was focusing on only one thing: to become the greatest assistant for the world's greatest detective. She had decided to learn as much as possible in three major fields: information and communication technologies, foreign languages, and defense. The last point was supposed to include mastery of explosive and weapons, but there was no way for the nine years old girl she was to get the permission to manipulate such dangerous things, so she postponed those studies and only started to take karate, Kendo and self-defense lessons. Watari had also imposed a supervision of her activities in the chemistry laboratory after she almost blew the whole room up. This was not preventing her from drawing plans of deadly devices that children were not even expected to think about. Anyway, since L wasn't complaining about her training, she had no reason to change anything in it. The rule was simple: everything was all right as long it was good for L.

Shadow had had to give up a lot of artistic activities, since her other studies were taking her a great deal of time, but she had decided to carry on playing the piano so she could enter international competitions. This, she thought, would make a nice cover to travel all over the world once she would be allowed to follow L in his trips.

These were her plans. In a few years, when L would leave the orphanage, she would be ready to go with him, in a way or another.

Months, then years, passed without any special change in the lives of Wammy's House young residents. As L's ambitions were getting clearer and clearer, all the children had to surpass themselves to be able to take his place someday, and this was not leaving any time for fun.

L and Shadow were not usually communicating with each other when the boy was away from the orphanage. However, in the evening of the 28th of April, 1992, Shadow received a strange phone call from her friend.

She had been called in Roger's room, which was in fact Watari's, for Roger was the person in charge of the House when the other man was not around. He had handed her the telephone while putting a little box on his desk. The girl didn't know if she had to be worried or excited.

- L? What's happening?

The answering voice sounded a little far, but quiet and familiar. I was definitely L.

- Nothing. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

Shadow tried not to show her surprise to Roger, who was sitting in front of her.

- What?

- Happy Birthday. I know it's tomorrow, but it's already the 29th where I am, and I won't be able to call you after this...

It was true she was turning eleven years old on the following day, But L had not been with her on the 29th of April the year before, and he had not phoned her for the occasion... Something was weird...

- Tell me the truth. You can't be calling only for my birthday...

- I don't have to right to care?

She sighed.

- L... I know you...

- OK. I bought you a present, and I wanted you to get it today. It must already be in front of you...

She glanced at the box on the desk. It was obviously coming from a famous French jeweler. Why was L offering her such an expensive gift? Why was the meaning of all this? Could it be...

- What do you...?

He did not let her finish her sentence.

- I think that I'll be back at Wammy's next week. You'll tell me about the present then. I have to go now...

- Wait!

He had already hang up. Baffled, Shadow gave the phone back to Roger and reached for her present.

- Mr. Roger, can I open it in my room?

- Of course. It is yours...

She bowed and left the room while examining the little jewel case. This was surely meaning something special...

* * *

L came back as he had said, in the beginning of May. As usual, Shadow was waiting for him in his room, looking somewhat irritated. She was holding the jewelry box she had received the week before.

- So, do you like it?" he casually asked. She frowned.

- Don't ever try to deceive me like that again." She answered coldly while opening the box. Inside was a golden bracelet. L gave her a slightly surprised look.

- Is there a problem?

- Stop pretending you don't know. First, there is a transmitter in this thing. You know that I'll never lie to you, so this kind of bugs is useless, and even rather insulting. Secondly, this is a fake. A well done fake, but a fake anyway. In fact, this is not even gold... Did I miss something?

She threw the little case at him and he caught it with a smile.

- No. You got everything. I didn't think that you would get so angry about it, though...

- I am not angry... just pissed off. I spent hours examining this stupid bracelet. What a waste of time...

She put her hands on her hips and shook her head.

- We are past those silly games. I didn't even like it the first time we met. It's not a question of pride, you know it. I just can't imagine you still don't believe in my skills. If something bothers you, just say it. But no more tests, please.

- I know that... But if I trust you, I can't trust reports made about you, so I have to get it checked sometimes. I haven't been able to do it by myself recently, since I am not there a lot... I could have done better...

She sighed and lowered her eyes.

- I guess this is your way to say "sorry"...

- Yeah... but I have another way...

He searched in the back pockets of his jeans for a little velvet bag and handed it to her. She looked at the name written on the black fabric.

- What, you got one made in Italy, too?

- This one is real. You still can verify it if you want.

She took the bag and smiled back at him.

- No use. You are too smart to try to fool me with the same trick twice, aren't you?

- Actually, this is part of another trick...

She delicately opened the small pouch and took a platinum charm bracelet out of it. The piece of jewelry was simply amazing, each charm shaped in a strange but delicate symbol and set with sparkling gems.

- That..." she whispered, "is something else... but...

- There is no other bracelet like this one in the world. And there is no way to make a perfect copy of it... From today, I want you to wear it all the time.

She suddenly looked uneasy.

- That's far too precious! I can't... I mean, why are you giving me this right now?

- This is going to be important someday, trust me. It must be something that everyone will see and remember...

- I don't get it...

- I can't tell you much now..." he answered, searching around him for something to eat, "but this really matters for the future...

She went to the desk in the corner of the room and took a box of strawberry chocolates from one of its drawers. He eagerly reached for the sweets and sat on the floor while unwrapping them. She kneeled next to him, looking at the bracelet in her hand.

- Well... You know I...

- ... hate not knowing about things. But I need you to trust me.

He sounded utterly serious. She wondered for a moment if his words were not more an order than a request.

- I trust you...

She carefully put the bracelet on her left wrist and raised her arm. The shiny piece of jewelry didn't really match with her plain outfit.

- It's far too much luxury for an orphan..."

- In fact, from tomorrow, you won't officially be living in this orphanage anymore...

- Eeh?

- I am glad to see I can still surprise you...

- That's not the point!

- Watari is going to make you a new identity. Officially, you will have a new name, a new birthday, and a whole new life. You will also be leaving in a beautiful house with your rich uncle.

- Officially speaking... And what about my real life?

- In reality, you will stay here and still be Shadow. Watari will play the part of your rich uncle when it will be needed.

- So I will have two identities...

- I have an alias as well, you know. It's only a matter of protection...

- I see...

- You wanted to go out more for your studies, didn't you? I am giving you this opportunity. You will be able to enter piano and martial arts competitions...

- But...

She was going to protest but refrained doing so. Of course, she only wanted to travel to be with L. But he had obviously been thinking about it and those decisions were not meaningless. Anyway, she needed to have some experience alone for her training. The real thing was not for now, but it was definitely getting closer. Maybe a year or two... She had to use this time as efficiently as she could.

- Ok. What will be my new name?

- You can choose it, as long as it doesn't sound too weird...

- Let me think... I'll be... Lois Madshaw.

- Lois Mad..." he paused, visibly understanding something, and tilted his head on the right. "I am not sure that's safe...

- Nobody will realize, and it doesn't lead anywhere. Just an alias for another alias...

- That's true... I'll inform Watari about it, then...

He raised his thumb to his lips and looked at her with amused eyes.

- You're really a funny girl...

- Only because you are funny too...

She rose up.

- I'll go and make you something better than those chocolates...

- I feel like having something with fruits...

- As you want. Oh, just one thing before leaving...

- What?

She quickly bent down and kissed his left cheek.

- Thank you for the gift... and everything else.

She almost ran out of the room to make sure that he couldn't see her blushing face.

L was looking stunned. Shadow too could still surprise him...

He slowly caressed his cheek with the tips of his fingers. It felt like his face had been briefly touched by the silky wings of a butterfly...


	7. A necessary death

I have received some interesting reviews about the last chapter... Let me answer to some of them before the new chapter, as it may be interesting for the other readers:

- The dashes in the dialogues are typical of French punctuation... and I forgot it wasn't the case in English! Sorry! If it's really annoying, I'll turn dashes into quotation marks when I have time.

- About the "awful Mary-Sue" comment: I am a little sorry that the author of this review did not give me a chance to answer directly to him (her), because he (she) was not wrong: I re-read the first chapter of this fic today, and realized it was screaming "Mary-Sue" out loud, though it really wasn't what I wanted. So I changed the title, some useless parts of the introduction and the color of Shadow's eyes (which had nothing to do with the story anyway... So now she has normal green eyes instead of odd eyes...). That's too bad the first chapter was giving a wrong image of my character, because some people may have stopped reading after it... But I can only blame myself...

However, some points of the review are not making sense to me. The name "Shadow" is maybe a typical "Sue" name, but not in this case, since I used what was supposed to be Watari's alias to make another credible assistant for L. Mr. Ohba and Mr. Obata themselves liked this name from the beginning, so I haven't searched further. Moreover. "Shadow" is a Wammy's name, like Near or Mello... The names in Death Note are far from normal anyway, with "Light" ("Raito" if you want) to begin with (I also tried to search some real people named "Lawliet" on the net, but didn't even find one...)... As for Shadow's real name, you'll see it's not very exotic...

When it comes to Shadow's skills... Well, to be chosen for Wammy's House, Shadow had to be a genius... But she's not more intelligent than L, A, B, Near or Mello... or Light, but more than Misa...^^ I could maybe say she's as good at hacking as Matt, but it can't even been compared because of the technological improvements between their generations... She started cracking files on floppy disks, come on! (I can't help laughing while writing this... It makes me think of the computers I used when I was ten... Ah, dear Atari 1040 STE, I had so much fun with you...)

About her appearance: Yeah, she's beautiful, it's not a crime... and it's also for L to tease her about it (in this coming chapter, for example) and for Misa to ask stupid questions in the future. She has long hair because I made L like it, and that's all... Shinigami apart, there are few bad-looking young people in Death Note anyway...

Generally speaking, I have nothing about bad reviews. If people write them, then it means that something may not be OK about the fanfiction... and it's a good opportunity to correct the mistakes... If other readers don't appreciate something, please tell me!

I just don't like aggressiveness in comments. There is always a calm and polite way to say things... And we are dealing with fanfictions, which are far from being dramatic questions! It's just for fun!

I am done with reviews. Thanks to everybody for writing them!

Here comes "The Real Thing"! No more Wammy's House in next chapter. We'll have a couple of teenagers (and a slightly boring English man), and things will certainly hot up sooner or later (blame the "teenagers' dirty minds", as L would say...)!

This is the longest chapter so far, and it has been a little difficult to write because I wanted things to be credible (it ended up twisted, but I am not sure about the "credible" part). Again, tell me if something is weird.

I hope you'll enjoy it ! And please, review!

Oh, I've almost forgotten it: Lois Madshaw = I am L's Shadow (without the apostrophe).

* * *

On a summer day, in 1994, Shadow left Wammy's House.

She had to go to Russia for a piano competition. It was not a big deal for her, as she had been traveling all over the world for the last two years, and on her own most of the time (Watari could not be in two places at the same time, so she was usually put in the care of the organizers of the events to which she was participating).

Now a confident teenager, she had considerably improved all the skills she wanted to study to be L's assistant: she was a true technological genius, could speak 5 languages, and was a black belt in both karate and Kendo. As for weapons, she had finally been allowed to take shooting and archery lessons since her thirteenth birthday. Explosives had to stay in the laboratories, and could not be used without supervision and when other children were around (we did not wanted C to swallow a bomb, did we?).

Shadow had also changed physically: the child was quietly becoming a beautiful young woman. She was certainly catching attention with her creamy complexion, delicate figure and dark copper brown hair that were cascading down to her hips. L had asked her never to cut her auburn tresses. Even if it was taking a lot of care, she had not been able to refuse his request, not wanting to deprive him of his beloved "toy"...

L's look was catching the eye too, but for other reasons: in a few years, the boy had lost the few interest he may still have had in his appearance. He had grown taller, but was slouching all the time, and did not care about varying his clothes anymore. Tiredness was showing in his features, and the lines under his eyes were slowly turning into dark circles that were contrasting with his pallid skin. For some reason his eyebrows were almost invisible, but it was hard to notice, for his raven hair was hiding them, almost reaching the tip of his nose.

Some people may have said that he was looking strange, unhealthy and far from handsome.

For Shadow, he was just perfect the way he was.

She didn't care about the lack of emotion on his face. She knew it was a way of protecting himself and his work. His feelings were still there, but hidden in a secret place that could rarely be reached.

She was only concerned about his well-being, worried that his sleepless and hectic life may lead to any kind of terrible illness.

- You know you could rest just a little bit more... You haven't even slept for two hours...

- I am resting now...

It was a quiet afternoon. L had returned from a long trip to Asia two days ago, and was allowing himself to relax a little with his friend. She had been insisting on him taking a cat nap after lunch. She loved using the words "cat nap", for the boy's favorite sleeping place was exactly the same as a cat: her lap.

- How do I know if you are not already thinking about some kind of said-to-be-unsolvable case?

- Because I am watching you.

She smiled. The changes in her appearance were L's last subject of teasing, since he had made her blush a few months ago by stating he didn't mind looking ugly as she was beautiful enough for the two of them. Recently, he had started to say that his brain could not work properly when she was near because it was giving him "naughty ideas". Even if she was doing her best to hide her emotions "on business purpose" like him, her fair skin was not helping and she was sometimes betrayed by a sudden flush on her cheeks. It didn't matter so much, though, since L was the only one to see it.

- As if your great brain could be messed up by a girl's charms...

- As if your charms couldn't mess somebody's brain up... especially with this make-up...

- Come on, it's just mascara and a hint of powder... and you are the one who brought me those cosmetics from Japan! I am just testing them to see if I don't have any allergy before using them on the competition day. Speaking of it, I could try the concealer on those circles under your eyes...

- It would be useless...

- How do you know?

- I have already tried it.

She raised an eyebrow.

- Why am I not so surprised?

- You've spent too many years with me, maybe...

- Those last months, our constant travels haven't allowed us to see each other so much...

She sighed loudly.

- Now you're back, I don't feel like going to Moscow anymore...

She had to depart the following morning.

- I'll still be here when you come back. I've heard Watari saying that he would go pick you up at the airport on Monday...

- "My Dear Uncle" could come with me, so I wouldn't get the usual "poor girl who's always alone" speech from the other kids... I am a little fed up with hearing it all the time...

- He can't. I think he has to input some data in his new computer... Some that you can't enter for him...

- Why don't you just say that he doesn't want me to see them? I programmed all the computers of the House. There is no data I can't handle...

- I am happy I almost don't use computers in here... it would be dangerous...

- Why? Oh, no, wait! I am sure that the answer is something about your "teenager's dirty mind"...

- Aaah... Now I'll have to find something else to make you blush...

His feigned disappointed face made her giggle.

- But your smile is as cute as your flushing face...

There her cheeks turned pink, and he looked delighted.

- I'd hate you when you do that...

- ... if you didn't like me too much for it, I know...

- Aren't we too young for finishing each other's sentences?

- I'll die young, so it's better to start now...

- I'll die younger than you, then... Have you ever heard of a shadow existing on its own?

He bit his thumb. Had she any idea of what was going to happen?

* * *

The night was falling, it had started to rain, she was tired and Watari was not coming.

She did not know which point was the most annoying.

In Moscow, her flight had been delayed for technical reason, and she had not been able to catch her connecting flight to Southampton Airport. She had had no choice then but to fly to Heathrow. She had called Wammy's House to inform Watari of those changes, and the man had answered that he would come and pick her up anyway.

But he still was not there.

She yawned. Was not she supposed to be the only heiress of her wealthy uncle? Since when rich girls had to wait so long that they were almost falling asleep on airport benches?

She wanted to go back to the orphanage. She wanted to take a bath. She wanted to see L. She wanted to...

The familiar big, black car was showing at last.

Watari quietly open his umbrella before getting out of the vehicle.

- Did something happen? I have never seen you being late before...

- I am really sorry. There had been a terrible accident which stopped all the traffic on the edge of the town. Please go in the car. I will take your luggage.

- Thank you.

An accident... Well, those things happened...

She opened the back door of the limo and knitted her brows. There was a bag on the seat, and an envelope. The name written on the latter was not her alias.

- What is...?

- Make yourself comfortable.

His tone had been insistent. She understood she had to remain silent.

She waited until he went back to the driver seat and closed the door to ask:

- What is going on?

Watari answered while starting up the engine.

- Everything is explained in the letter, please read it quickly. We have a lot to do tonight.

Perplexed, she opened the envelope and recognized instantaneously the handwriting: L.

_" Shadow,_

_I apologize because I know you had to wait at the airport, but it was necessary for my plan._

_I have to be brief: today, I will make you disappear from this world, as Lois Madshaw as well as Shadow._

_Of course, you may have already guessed that you will not really die. But only a very few persons will know that._

_I have been thinking about this for a long time, and it seems to be the best thing to do. Don't get mad at me for not having said anything about it before, but it was the best way for everybody, and I wanted you to act as naturally as possible._

_Of course, you are not coming back to the orphanage. You will never see Wammy's House again. I don't think that you will regret it so much anyway. Watari is going to drive you to a place where I will meet you later. I have to stay back now to make everything believable._

_Since we are faking your death, I need you to get rid of all your personal belongings. Please use what is in the bag and get changed in the car. Give your bracelet to Watari. This is the most important point of this operation. This was already the case when I offered it to you, in fact. You will understand why soon. Just trust me for now._

_The only thing you have to do is to wait in the room where you will be taken to. Do not go out or even communicate with the outside world._

_It may be a little annoying and will take some time, but if you trust me, and if your objectives are, as I think, the same as mine, then it will definitely be worth it._

_Yours,_

_L"_

Shadow took a deep breath. This was it. There were too much or too less information in the letter for her to understand exactly what was going to happen, but she did not really have a choice anyway. She could not help feeling tense.

It was a question of trust. And L was the only person she trusted.

She looked at the bag next to her, and then at her bracelet.

It was the only real present he had ever given her. She had been spending so much time wondering why it was so important for her future. She was going to know the answer soon...

L had promise it would be worth it.

And she had nothing to lose but him...

- Mr. Watari...

She took the piece of jewelry from her wrist and hold it out to the driving man in front of her.

- I think I have to give you this...

Without taking his eyes off the road, he seized the bracelet.

- Don't worry," he said, "everything will be fine...

- Of course!" She answered a little wryly "After all, it's not so terrible: I am just going to die...

* * *

It had been the longest night of her life. The hotel room she had to wait in was awfully quiet. She was still tired, but too excited to sleep.

Was she going to stay there for a long time? She had been there for hours already... It would have been nice if L had chosen a quick way of "killing" her...

In the morning, she was almost dozing off when she finally heard footsteps near the door. She could have asked who it was... but she had to stay silent...

What if it was not one of the persons she was expected?

She positioned herself next to the door, ready to "welcome" any kind of intruder.

The door unlocked.

It was far from an unwanted guest.

- L!

She almost jumped on him.

- For a dead girl, you seem terribly healthy...

- Stupid!

She took his hand and dragged him to the bed where they sat.

- Now, you owe me explanations.

- I thought the letter was clear enough...

- Come on! How comes you suddenly decided I had to disappear? What did you do? What about my bracelet?

- You will never this bracelet again... It will be buried in two days with the cremated remains of a dead girl Watari has identified as Lois Madshaw...

- A dead girl? Whose corpse is it?

- If this was known, then we could not have stolen this dead body so easily...

She suddenly fell a little dizzy.

- Wait... You stole a corpse and pretended it was mine?

- Exactly. In fact, There were two corpses. One for you, and one to play the part of the driver of the Madshaw family. Watari has identified him as well, as the man was supposed to have no relatives...

- How did they die?

- Both died in a fire two weeks ago. It was the perfect opportunity. Officially, Lois Madshaw and her driver died in a car accident last night. They had not been able to get out of the vehicle and burned with it. Their remains were in such a state that they could not have been identified without checking their personal effects...

She froze.

- That's why you needed the bracelet... because that's the only things I own that everybody has seen and remembers about... A unique piece in the world, so there could not be any mistake... I got it... However...

- However...?

- It was two years ago... I mean, when you gave it to me...

- And I was already thinking about this plan...

- Amazing... But... you couldn't have planned the problem at Moscow Airport too...

He smiled.

- They told you it was a technical problem, right? But you had to take another plane because they were searching for a bomb in the first one... A simple phone call had been enough... I needed you to arrive at Gatwick or Heathrow so the journey back to the orphanage would last longer...

- Speaking of the orphanage, why did I need to disappear from there too?

- Wammy's House has been created to find me a replacement or a successor, not an assistant or a friend... Nobody was supposed to bond with somebody else... And I was supposed to be alone when I would leave definitely...

Their eyes locked as she held her breath.

- Tell me: what would you do if you weren't allowed to follow me in the end?

For having thought about this possibility, she knew the answer too well:

- I would do everything to find you, even if it meant becoming the subject of your investigations by blowing the whole world out. I told you this the first time we met: my life is depending on yours. I feel it. I chose it.

- Blowing the whole world out, eh? That's a little scary... It's a good thing you won't need to go that far...

- You mean...

- There is no way I can get rid of you... Watari was against it at the beginning, so we had to make a deal: for my safety, and yours, the other kids would have to think that you were dead. Only Roger, Watari and I will know that you are still alive... Right now, Watari is at the House, explaining to everybody how Shadow, as Lois Madshaw, has lost her life in a stupid accident... He will also tell them that I am definitely leaving the orphanage with him to pursue my career as a detective...

- L...

She wanted him to say it. To say that she was going with him. Definitely...

- You can still change you mind... get a new life... We can do this, but you have to choose now...

She looked offended.

- No way! I...

- Do you understand what it means? You will be hidden from the world. You won't exist, but in my shadow... Is that really what you want?

Her chest tightened.

- Are you making me come with you only because you know I will never let you go so easily?" She asked, lowering her eyes.

- No.

She stared at him again.

- I really believe you can be helpful.

- I see...

- And I also want you to be with me as a person... not only as an assistant...

He looked up and bit his thumb.

- I need somebody to remind me that I am still human sometimes... with feelings and all...

He smiled at her.

- You're the only one who can do that...

She did not know that she could be that happy. But she could not find any word to express this feeling. So she hugged him as strongly as she could.

He didn't push her back. They stayed like this, silently, for a few minutes.

- L..." she finally started, not moving against him. "You faked a bomb scare, stole corpses, had them burnt in a car, and spent a fortune in a bracelet you destroyed, only to allow me to come with you... Don't you think it was far too much for this result? There must have been an easier way...

- You think so?

- ...

- I knew you would be upset about the bracelet. I'll buy you another one...

- No joke, please...

- It worked and didn't cost so much, you know. I can do a lot more...

- I am not saying you can't...

- And it was worth it...

She sighed and smiled at the same time.

- I will never be able to prove you wrong, will I?

The truth was that she did not even want to try.

On a summer day, in 1994, Shadow left Wammy's House, and died. For everybody but the one who was to become the world greatest detective.


	8. Tee shirt therapy

Hello everybody!

Thanks for the reviews again! Here are a few answers to some of them:

To Rockangel777: Thank you for your answer to my mail and the explanations about my mistakes. There were indeed many "were" used instead of "was" and vice versa. I tried to correct everything, but some mistakes may remain... I am always eager to publish new chapters, and I usually don't notice all my mistakes when I reread myself for the first time... I just hope this chapter won't be too horrible again...

To AyameRose: So I have to choose between suicide and suicide? That's tough! ^-^ Sorry, but I can't let this happen... I won't tell you more about the plot, but you can be sure that Shadow will not kill herself (and this for many reasons...)... In fact, she will fall for Light at first sight, dump L like a dirty sock and become an active member of Kira's harem with Misa and Kiyomi Takada... (Ugh... No way! I am kidding! Who would be crazy enough to dump L?)

To xXDrowningInDarknessXx: I love riddles and puzzles, so no, it didn't take me long to think about the anagram of Shadow's alias... I wrote several possible names, and chose the most credible after searching if they sounded real or not (there may not be real people named Lawliet, but there are definitely real people named Madshaw...).

Another thing before starting: in my fic, L has spent more than 5 years at Wammy's House, which I believe is the truth. In fact, in the manga, the "five years spent in England which have nothing to do with L's identity" are a part of what L tells Light just before they play tennis. Knowing L, there is a very high possibility that it's a lie, partially because England and the origins of L are strongly linked anyway...

I am done with the comments. Here comes the eighth chapter of this fic, which deals with one of my favorite medical pains in the ass: anxiety disorders!

Please read and review!

* * *

Life was a strange thing.

Two weeks ago, Shadow was in Russia to enter a piano competition, pretending to be the beloved niece of one of the richest man in England.

Now, she was in one of the most luxurious hotel in New York, and the girl she had pretended to be was dead.

Her fake funeral and L's preparations for his definitive departure from Wammy's House had taken a little less than a week. Watari had not needed a long time to make her a new identity. For some reason, L had decided that every time she would need an alias, it would be name of the heroine of a famous novel or movie. The only purpose of this was to make any research about her more difficult. The boy was choosing celebrities' names for himself. The more famous names were the most convenient, even if the results sounded really weird when anybody was checking their passports. Which had been the case when they left London for New York: one would have never thought about Jane Eyre flying first class with George Harrison...

A strange thing indeed.

It was around half past one in the morning. She had spent the day decoding some files coming from the NYPD. L was going to stay a while in the U.S. to gain a reputation as a private investigator, solving famous cold cases to start with.

Those last days had been tiring. Working with L was not like having fun, or even studying with him. The boy was more serious and more demanding. For the first time of her life, Shadow had actually felt that he was asking things from her. She did not mind his requests, but she did not want to disappoint her friend by not being able to satisfy him...

She was in the middle of her bedroom, rummaging through her luggage that were entirely new. The television was showing the same news as two hours before. She did not remember when it had been off for the last time. The day before, maybe... L was used to having all the appliances around him turned on permanently. After a few days, she was not paying attention to the noise anymore...

They had separated rooms, but it was purely formal, for they were spending all their time in L's place where the computers and the research material were. The door connecting their two suites was never closed. They had been almost always together at the orphanage, so it did not change so much anyway. Shadow was just using the bathroom and the bed of her room, making the fact of paying a very high price for it not totally useless...

She did not really know what she was searching for. Something to wear to sleep... Any change of clothes, for the heat was terrible and she could feel her shirt sticking to her sweaty skin... She was feeling really uncomfortable.

Most of the clothes had still labels on them, and she was wondering if she would ever wear some of them, for she did not really like the style. She would choose her own garments when Watari could get her some catalogues. For now, there were more important things to do, and she would content herself with what she had been given.

She had thought about what L had said about their handler. Watari had been against her coming with them... It was true that she was still a bit young to leave the orphanage, and her training was not complete, but she did not need to be at the House to study, and she would learn a lot while helping L...

But was it the real meaning of this disapproval?

Perhaps the old man had never envisaged including her in L's life. When the man had chosen her to be S, it had been for her to become a potential successor to L, and nothing else... Thinking this way, she had been a failure... but most of the other children she had met there would never reach L's level either... Yet, she was with L now. And, as an unsuccessful subject in Wammy's experiment to find another L, she was not needed.

It sounded logical.

She got her hands on a white night dress, and sighed. What did Watari had with those long, old-fashioned gowns? They were not living in the Victorian era!

And now she was getting mad at some clothes... She needed to relax... But she could not help thinking about Wammy's purposes...

To get the best results, it would have been better for L to be alone, and totally deprived of social interaction. That would have slowly but surely turned him into the most effective criminal case-solving machine in the world.

Wow, that was scary. She now knew how L could be absorbed in his work. This past week, they did not had any of those sweet moments they used to enjoy at the House, even if they had never been so close to each other... Could this worsen?

She was realizing the meaning of L's words when he had said that he needed her to remind him that he was still human... She was the only one who could do that...

Suddenly, she was not sure about this fact anymore...

Maybe that was why Watari was not agreeing with her being there. Maybe she was a failure in this field too, with her strange feelings and all...

Wait. Why was she thinking that already?

Because loving somebody was not enough sometimes, was it? She could be confident in herself, it was maybe not enough to the boy's opinion...

And if she could not help L in this way either... What could she do?

And why understanding this only now, when she could not turn back? Turn back to go where, anyway?

She could feel the pain in her chest, and the tingling in her fingers.

Damn, this had been a while...

One interesting fact about panic attacks was that they were usually coming out of the blue.

She had been thinking about things that made her think about other things that made her think again about...

Stop. Stop. Stop.

What she could be thinking about now was definitely not right. But she could not get rid of it.

Another funny fact about anxiety.

She closed her eyes and tried the usual breathing exercises that were supposed to help her calming down.

It was always the useless thing she was starting with.

She ended up hyperventilating. The doctor who taught her those exercises when she was seven could go to Hell.

It was not getting better.

What if L was seeing her like that?

She would choke to death.

Yes, that was what he needed: a useless anxious girl unable to control her feelings.

She had never really stopped having those nervous issues. But, those past years, they had become rarer... Twice or three times a year, maybe, when she was tired, or feeling a little sad... or lonely.

She had told L about her anxiety problems many times. What she had never told him was that she had had some panic attacks when he had not been at the orphanage... and what she was doing to feel better...

This could not happen...

There were not many places to hide and wait, hoping that it would go away by itself.

Feeling a chill down her spine, she decided to go and take a shower.

Showers were nice. There were hot, clean, and could hide weird noises.

The bathroom was also a wonderful place for anxiety attacks, for it was safe whenever one felt like throwing up or crying, or anything else.

She got rid of her clothes, turned the shower on, crouched on the floor, and waited.

There was nothing else to do...

She was wondering how she could be feeling like that at this moment. There could not have been a worse timing. And thinking about it was not making her feel better.

Thinking was making nothing better.

It was just thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking...

Now she was crying.

This was a perfect example of a mess.

She just wanted it to stop.

And L who was in the next room... L who was always aiming at perfection... What would he think of her?

- What are you doing in here?

Yes. That was what he would be thinking first.

Wait.

She looked up and saw the very surprised face of her friend, who had suddenly opened the shower unit door. Half blinded by the steam, he reached out to turn the tap off.

He was staring at her as if he had found the smallest kitten in the world caught in a storm. And L was certainly not familiar with drenched baby animals.

She was looking terrible.

- What happened?

She only lowered her head and cried.

- I am so sorry...

- About what?

- Everything!

- Oh...

He blinked. Being sorry about everything sounded bad. And illogical. He knew one thing that could make the girl say such nonsense...

- Is it a panic attack?

Ashamed, she nodded. He frowned.

- I should have known it...

Shadow had been there for almost an hour. In the next room, L had started to wonder what the girl could be doing. She had just said she was going to change her clothes. It could not take so much time... So he had torn himself away from the case he was studying to see what could have happened.

It seemed he had made a wise choice.

He grabbed a bathrobe and use it to cover his friend's trembling body.

- Come on, you can't stay like this...

She startled.

- No! It's OK! I'd better stay here... Let me stay here... I am sorry...

- It's not going to get any better this way... Let me help you...

- The bathroom is better if I get sick...

- You can get sick somewhere else.

- L, please...

- No "please". You come with me.

- No...

And, ignoring her cry, he bent down to lift her. He was holding her more like a bag, which was not a very elegant way of carrying somebody, but it was effective, and that was far enough for him.

He quickly went back to his room and laid her down on his bed. Then he got a towel in his bathroom and proceeded to dry her hair. She was still trembling, holding her knees against her chest, tears running down her cheeks.

- I asked you not to take me out of the shower...

- Anxiety makes people say stupid things, you know it...

She bit her lip.

- I am sorry...

- Yeah, you already said it. Do you have some pills to take or something?

- I don't take medicine. It makes my mind all fuzzy... It's like dying...

- I don't mean to laugh at you, but only dead people know how it feels to die... and they can't talk about it so much...

She smiled awkwardly.

- Sorry...

- Saying "sorry" again and again won't change anything...

- Sorry... Ah...

- It's OK... I am sorry too, if you want...

He moved a little away from her to look at her face.

- So... What were you thinking about to get in such a state?

- I am a failure.

- Oh?

- I mean, why would Watari disagree about letting me coming with you, if it wasn't bad for you? Or perhaps he just wanted you to stay alone so he could use you as much as he pleased...

He raised an eyebrow.

- What?

- You said you needed me, but what if I can't make it? What if I can't help you? I will just be a burden, and I have not even been able to realize it before...

- Panic attacks do really make you say stupid things. I don't even want to hear more of it.

- But...

- Listen, if Watari was not fine about you coming, it was because he was worried about you, not me. He didn't want you to live only according to me, but this is your choice, so he has nothing to say about it.

- Anyway, I am so afraid I can't do anything for you... And you always say you don't need anybody who can't do his job properly... You don't need me...

- I would be happy if you stopped thinking for me. I am fine with you, and I really think you can help me. You know that yourself, but you are unable to remember it now. If I wasn't sure about what I am saying, I 'd never have made you come. I am the one who decides here. I am doing what I am doing because I've chosen it. Watari and I have made a deal: I am not his tool or whatever else, I am working as I like, and he helps me because he thinks I am doing right, that's all. If I'd started to do crazy stuff, then maybe It would change, but it's not the case. That's all for my job.

- But what about the...

- When it comes to feelings, I have no complain either.

- I'm so afraid I can't...

- Shadow, look at me.

She slowly looked up at him while rubbing her eyes.

- You haven't forgotten what I said when we faked your death?

She shook her head.

- About reminding you that you are still human...

- That's it. I am sure there are better ways to do it, but this is exactly what you are doing right now...

- I am so stupid!

And then she burst out sobbing again, and threw herself in his arms, almost falling from the bed.

- I just want it to stop...

- Well, just do what you usually do to get better...

She froze.

- It's... difficult...

- As if I didn't know about it...

- No... How did you...?

- You are not the only one who reads medical reports...

- I mean, about how I calm down...

- Hairs in my bed, and I saw the shirt once under your pillow...

- Sorry...

- I will end up strangling you if you say "sorry" again...

- But it's really ridiculous... I was hoping you'd never find out about it...

- I did. So, should I take off my clothes or will you be OK with clean things?

She placed her head in the crook of his neck and inhaled deeply.

- In fact, it's OK like this. Clothes and L together... Could you stay like this?

- It won't be easy...

- It really makes me feel better...

- Well... let me move to the bed too, then... so you'll sleep and I'll still be able to read my reports

- As you want...

She parted from him just to let him sit properly on the bed, and then lied down, clinging on his right arm.

- Will that do it?" he asked while reaching for the file he was examining before. He could only use his left hand, but that would be sufficient.

- Hmm...

She had closed her eyes and seemed to be relaxing. Soon the tears would stop too...

He pulled the sheets of the bed enough to cover her lower body, in order to avoid any embarrassing situation if her bathrobe moved while she was sleeping. It was a good thing the night was warm, because her hair was still wet, and he did not want her to catch a cold after this...

He cocked his head to her side.

Even when she was annoying, she was still funny...

Anyway, he would have to ask her why she needed to sleep in his bed or with one of his old tee shirts to feel better when she was anxious...

* * *

Keeping her eyes closed, Shadow took a deep breath.

The pain was gone.

Listening to the noise in the streets outside, she guessed it was still early in the morning. Around six or seven o'clock...

Her head was aching, but it was nothing compared to the horrible sensations caused by the panic attack.

She had slept well. Too well. She had even drooled on L's hand.

Uh-oh.

She suddenly opened her eyes to look at her friend's face above her.

- Yeah, that's definitely not cute... I can't believe I spent hours like this only for you to thank me like that...

She rose a little so he could move his arm and carefully wipe his hand with a tissue. She knew he was partially joking. But only partially...

- Sorry...

- That's far too many "sorry"'s in too few hours...

She lowered her eyes.

- Has it been that bad? I don't remember everything clearly...

- You were naked, crying, talking rubbish and apologizing... The first point would not have been so bad in other circumstances, though...

She blushed.

- Damn...

- Well, it's over, so don't waste time remembering about it... But you have to tell me about the T-shirt thing... and my bed...

- That's embarrassing...

- You owe me that, at least...

- It feels warm.

- And?

- It smells like you.

- ...smells?

He was looking like she had said something utterly disgusting AND stupid.

- There are plenty of sensations I hate when I feel anxious, you know... So many noises, and tastes, and odors... But your smell... it makes me feel nice...

- I didn't know I was stinking so much...

- That's not it! In fact, it's the opposite. You just smell clean... Fresh, clean... and like sweets, but that's when you've just finished eating...

- I am relieved I don't spend so much time scrubbing myself everyday for nothing...

- That's very reassuring, you know...

- Hmmm...

- What's with this look?

- I didn't know that you were a fetishist...

Her cheeks turned dark pink...

- I know it's weird... but the first time I did it, it worked, so I just carried on without thinking... I won't do it again...

- "Why only get the clothes if you can have the whole body", that's it?

Her face reddened even more.

- Sort of...

- Ok. So, from tonight, you'll sleep in my bed, and we'll try to avoid new anxious episodes...

- What about you?

- Since I only use my bed for sleeping in your lap, it doesn't change anything... As long as you don't drool all over me...

- Please, stop! I am really ashamed of that... of everything, in fact...

His eyes became more serious.

- No need... and no more apologies...

- But I have been really terrible!

- Look at me.

- Yes?

- I don't sit or hold things like everybody else. I almost don't sleep. And I am constantly eating sweet things. Only sweet things.

- So what?

- So that allows you to have some strange behaviors sometimes too, I think...

Then he got what he wanted: a smile.

- That's better.

He left the bed.

- Now I need a big breakfast, with a lot of sugar... and you...

He glanced at her.

- You need to wear more clothes than that.

Slightly embarrassed, she wondered for a few seconds if he was looking at her bathrobe, or at her body it was not hiding so much...

He couldn't have really watched her like this, could he?

Or was it only in her head?

Dear... was she starting to have a "teenager's dirty mind", too?


	9. Better than sweets

Almost one month without any update... I am soooo sorry!

Thanks for all the reviews! Please write some again! I hope that this chapter will live up to expectations... I will try to publish the next one soon...

* * *

Teenage geniuses were still teenagers. They could try whatever they wanted, they would not grow up faster than other young people.

In other words, you could be an amazingly intelligent thirteen years old girl and still be annoyed because your hips were getting larger and not your breasts. Or because those damned hormones raging in your body were making you act like a fool when you were close to this fifteen years old weird boy you have been liking for years.

Let's admit that. Now, what could you do when you had to be with this young man ALL the time? And ONLY with him? Where could you find some advice? Nowhere.

Shadow sighed loudly while adjusting her swimsuit in front of a large mirror. She was rather ashamed of losing so much time looking at herself, but she could not help it.

It was around three in the morning in a rainy night of January, 1995, and she had decided to go to the hotel pool to try to change her mind a little. Besides, getting some exercise would not be bad, considering all the time she was spending sitting in front of her computers. She did not want to get the same muscular problems as a middle-aged office lady...

The hotel pool and gym were supposed to be closed during the night, but Watari had made sure that L and her could access all the places where they would like to go. It had only been a matter of money, and this was not something they were lacking of.

She did not know exactly how much L had already earned those past months, but it was more than any normal person could get in an entire life of hard work. Famous cases were usually involving big rewards and, since they had moved to the U.S., L had managed to close 27 of them. His investigations on the 28th would be over very soon, but the boy was refusing to communicate any information he was not totally sure about, so they needed a few more days to check some details...

Anyway, if Shadow wanted to go to the pool in the middle of the night, there was no problem about it. In fact, it was the only time when she could go there. L and her could not be seen. Nobody would credit a fifteen years old detective, so they needed to create a new identity for L the investigator, who would be totally different from L the teenager. Shadow had worked a lot on this, developing a voice altering program that could not be filtered, and accessing to the hotel security system so no camera could record any picture of them... That had been a funny job...

She did not mind about not being able to go out, as she had spent most of her childhood this way. L seemed to be like her. The only difference between them was that L did not appear to suffer from any problem related to puberty or teenage crisis.

She did. Badly.

Perhaps L was having those issues too and was just hiding it better than her? After all, he was so good at lying...

There was also all the teasing about her body, and his "dirty mind"... But he was teasing her about so many things that she could not consider it as a valuable clue.

Maybe he did not care at all about the way she looked. And she could not really blame him.

Before, she was a pretty little girl.

Now, she was just pretty weird-looking. Like a plank with a big butt.

Why was that important? She did not really know. But recently it had started to matter a little bit more.

Maybe it was because she was next to L all the time...

Maybe it was because of the way he was looking at her...

Maybe it was because of his smell... and his lips... Well, there were many points to criticize about L's look, but nobody could deny he had wonderful lips. They were looking the best when he was biting his thumbnail. Those moments were also great opportunities to examine his hands. With his way of handling everything delicately, his long hands were staying extremely soft to touch. Shadow was almost jealous of them...

The young girl shook her head. This was not the time for fantasies.

This kind of thoughts would have never come to her mind a few years ago...

When she was ten years old, she did not pay so much attention to L's appearance... She did not like him because of that. Well, she still did not like him only because of that, but...

Recently, all their conversations seemed to lead to physical matters.

Physical contact... With the boy, that was always a tough question, but the truth was that another bigger problem was the source of her trouble.

Feelings. They were the origin of all.

She wanted to get closer to L. Closer than she was already. Physically AND sentimentally speaking. And she wanted L to feel the same, At least, she wanted to know what he was thinking about her...

Years ago, she would have been fine not knowing. Just being with him would have been enough. But now...

Now she cared too much. Far too much.

Of course, if she had chosen to live only for him, it was not only because she loved him: she was feeling lucky to work with such an incredibly intelligent person, and his investigations were captivating. After all, her position was almost what all the children of Wammy's House were aiming at.

But the romantic part was also there, and she had to deal with it. Quickly.

It would be stupid to spend all her life with him being mistaken about his feelings (if he had some...).

If he was considering her only as a friend, or a kind of sister, it would be better to know it now.

She would be sad, but would probably return to a not so romantic state of mind, a little like the way she was when she arrived at the orphanage.

It would not be so bad. She would not need to wonder about those annoying feelings anymore... Even if it was somewhat painful to think about right now.

- Ok," she decided, walking closer to the pool, "I'll talk to him...

She still had to figure out how to raise the subject, but this would be for later...

Now was time for some physical activity.

She dived in the lukewarm water, hoping that it would somehow help her to let her mind clear...

* * *

The pool had been a good idea. The water was making her feel lighter, physically and emotionally. She was not thinking about anything else than working her muscles and refreshing herself, and had almost forgotten everything around her.

She swam for around thirty minutes, and stopped to look at the window, just wondering if it was still raining. At that very moment her attention was drawn by splashing sounds.

L was crouching next to the opposite side of the pool, gently agitating the water with his right hand, and looking rather absorbed in this activity.

How long had he been there?

And what exactly was he doing?

- Aren't you too old to play with water?" Shadow asked, swimming towards him. He did not bother stopping what he was doing to answer:

- I called your name several time, but you didn't answer, so I tried that. There are people who call fishes like that...

She cocked an eyebrow.

- I am not a fish...

- But you came.

She felt like an idiot.

- Ok, maybe I have fishes in my family...

- That's highly impossible.

- I am joking, L... Anyway, why don't you stop, since I am here?

- I am just watching the ripples...

She looked at his hand.

- It's just like your work... You don't like things to stay still, do you?

- Nice image... Speaking of work, I will need you to analyze some old pictures...

- Just give me ten minutes to dry myself and put some clothes, and I...

- I will only get them in a few hours... It seems that some archivists are reluctant to work in the middle of the night...

She smiled.

- It's a shame that some people still spend their nights sleeping...

- ...

Her smile faded as she looked at his face. Could he be upset? She knew he did not like waiting for anything concerning his job...

- Hey... That's only a couple of hours...

- I can't prove my theories true without those documents. And I don't want to move on something else before closing this case. I can't understand such a lack of professionalism...

Yes, he was annoyed. This was childish, but it was how he was.

And she had to deal with it.

In a way, those coming idle hours could be a great occasion to talk to him about what was bothering her. But an upset L may not be very open to speak about feelings...

It was up to her to find a good manner to introduce the subject.

- How about resting a little?" She said. "You need some sleep and you won't be able to complain that you are losing your time...

He shrugged.

- Whatever...

- It's decided, then.

She got out of the water as he rose.

- You will take a shower before coming back to the room, won't you?" he asked as she was putting on a bathrobe.

- Of course... I don't even see why you ask...

- I won't be able to rest if you smell like chlorine...

She bit her lip as he walked away. Creating a romantic mood was not going to be easy...

* * *

- So, no more chlorine smell?

- No, but you did not dry your hair totally, it seems...

- It's OK, I am not going to catch a cold anyway... The room is always warm enough for us to wear only shirts all the time...

- That's true.

- So, will you rest now or do I need to get an hair dryer first?

- You can stay like that...

She almost had a sigh of relief as he made himself at ease on her lap. She was now wearing her sleeping outfit, consisting of a pair of large cotton shorts and one of his white shirts. L had suggested that it would be better for her to wear what comforted her the best since her last panic attack in autumn, so she was allowed to borrow his clothes and Watari could keep his old nightdresses for himself.

It seemed that he had ordered a large amount of cakes and fruits while she was under the shower. If he was normally eating a lot, Shadow knew he was literally stuffing himself when he was upset.

- I am not sure that absorbing so much sugar will help you in that state..." she said, glancing at all the plates scattered around the bed.

- What state?" he asked in a slightly irritated tone.

She frowned.

- You know it's useless to snap at me. I am not the reason why you are annoyed.

- How do you know?

- Because I am always doing what you want, and when you want it.

- Where does this sudden self-confidence come from?

- That's not self-confidence, that's just saying the truth...

- Look, they are talking about me...

She wondered if he was really listening to her as he pointed a finger at the television. There was another report about how "anonymous sources" had helped arresting the serial killer who had murdered 11 students in New Jersey more than ten years ago. It was the last case L had closed.

- I did not "help". I solved the case. And I am not "anonymous"...

She slowly shook her head. This was the kind of statements that could make him bitter for sure.

The problem was not only coming from a guy who wanted to sleep instead of going to his office to send some pictures to a weird detective in the middle of the night. In his childish way, L wanted to be recognized quickly so he could work exactly as he pleased. She tried to answer on a gentle tone:

- You are not really well-known either. We knew from the beginning that it wouldn't be easy to gain the public's confidence without showing your face, using your real voice and giving more than a single letter to introduce yourself... But it's only a matter of time to get acknowledged...

He patted the hand that was caressing his hair.

- Thank you for your support, but you know it won't change anything.

He was right, so what was the point of carrying on talking about this? She had totally different problems to discuss... She did not know why, but it seemed that the right moment was now or never

She took a deep breath.

- If we can't change anything about this problem, maybe we can try to do something about another one?" she proposed while quickly grabbing the remote control and turning off the TV. He got surprised by her impetuosity.

- Is there another problem?

- Yes. I have one, at least.

He could feel she had turned more nervous in a few seconds.

- Are you going to have a panic attack again? You look tensed...

If I could anticipate nervous problems like this, it would be great, but I am not sick. Not at all. I almost wish I were...

- I am afraid you have to explain me a little bit more about this "problem"...

She did not like the way he was saying those words. Was he so oblivious of what she could feel?

- L, what do you think about me?

- Right now, I would say you are behaving strangely. In general, I think you are a funny girl...

- What?

- What, "What?"?

- That's all you think?

- I think so many things... Were you expecting another answer? About your work, maybe? You already know I am fine with it... I'd tell you immediately if something was wrong anyway...

It was not helping her at all. But it was so like L. She should have known before asking the question.

- That's not the point. I am not speaking about this kind of thoughts, in fact...

- Oh...

He looked down, bit his thumbnail, and looked back at her.

- "Feelings", then?

- I don't know what to make of your way of pronouncing this word.

- I don't know either. We have not talked about this for a long time... Is it what's making you so nervous?

- We haven't talked about it because it has become difficult...

- Really? How?

- Because of your way of answering as if you haven't noticed anything! And yet... yet...

She sounded a little exasperated.

- Yet I tease you more than before, that's it?

- Yes! And no! Not only that... Damn, I don't know how to explain it! I was stupid enough to imagine that you would talk first... but it never happens, and I can't stand thinking about it again and again, and not knowing, and...

- Why do you get in such a state for something that haven't changed for years?

She gave him a puzzled look. How could he react so quietly? Was she telling him things he already knew about very well?

- What do you mean?

- You like me. You were nine when you admitted it for the first time. I like you too. I don't remember exactly when I said it, but I was not very old either...

She sighed. Had he stopped there? Children liking each other?

- That's... not so easy... Things have changed... We are not kids anymore...

- You don't like me anymore?

She blushed.

- I... like you... more than before... and differently...

- Same here. That's just a logical and natural evolution of things.

She gasped. He was still looking extremely quiet.

- I am two years older than you, after all... Changes are more obvious amongst girls, but I have grown up too... And some teasing were more meaningful than they seemed...

- But why didn't you say anything?

- I don't think that there are many things to say...

- Why?

- Everybody has those issues during youth, so why bother? Besides, I had other things to deal with... And I did not want Watari to get more worried about you...

- Watari?

- You are only thirteen, and, as intelligent as we may be, leaving two teenagers together all the time sounds rather dangerous to him... That's quite easy to understand...

Now this was embarrassing. Was Watari trying to protect her virtue? What kind of girl did he think she was?

- What the...?

- There was a time I thought you would be worried too." He interrupted. "You are a nice girl... You could have been afraid that I tried to...

- Eeeeeeeh? We are dealing with horrible rape and murder cases everyday, examining every disgusting detail of them, and you still think that I am such a naive girl?

- There is a big difference between criminals and us...

- It doesn't make me think that you are going to abuse me anyway!

- I know. Besides, I don't believe that you're so innocent anymore. I have seen you watching me strangely...

Her cheeks turned crimson red.

- You watch me too!

- Can't I?

She blinked. His quiet way of talking was unsettling. It was like he had known what bothered her for ages and was totally comfortable with it. After all, as she had said, they were not children anymore. She had to act like him... but she still could not hide her embarrassment properly as she answered:

- I haven't said that.

- So yes, I do. You are the only real girl I can look at, after all...

She took a deep breath, trying to sum up the situation.

- So we like each other, look at each other, think about each other... And since it's normal, let's just carry on pretending we don't want more and resume our works, that's it?

- I just said it happens to every young person, so there was nothing to be annoyed about... It doesn't mean I don't care...

- So what? Are you waiting for a sign?

- I don't know more than you about all this. It seems like you have been expecting me to do something... Am I supposed to make the first move?

- Well... you're the boy... and you're older... and there are the things you say when you are teasing me...

- Most of the time, I am just talking about your appearance... It seems that you have been imagining more things than I...

Then she realized than her mind may be far dirtier than his. And she was the younger one. Damn those hormones...

- I am sorry if you are disappointed." He continued. "You know I am not good at showing emotions and all...

- Don't apologize! I was the one thinking too much!

- Not too much. Normally, I guess... To be honest, I should be the one to blame for not having thought enough about the question...

- It's still a little hard to believe...

Yet, it was so like L. It was difficult to imagine him having fantasies in the middle of his job. He was not letting himself so easily distracted by feelings...

- You mean, you have never thought about... you know...

- A little... But I have far more important things to think...

- What about tou... No, no, forget about it!

She did not want to know if he was touching himself. She did not need to know. She did not want to need to know. She... Oh, Dear... She was getting a little bit too hot, it seemed...

Her attempt to cool down obviously amused L, who chuckled.

- Funny girl...

Her face still flushed, she pouted:

- I don't see what's so funny...

Shadow looked down at him, wondering again how he could get so cute when he was smiling.

She was feeling a little stupid. Expecting L to be romantic was asking him to know things that were not part of his world. If he could love somebody, he would do it in his very own way...

She would gladly let him do as he wanted. Because his unique personality was also a reason why she was so fond of him...

If she had to make the first move, then...

- All right," she said, smiling back at him, "so you don't consider me as a sister, or only a friend or an assistant, do you?

- Not only a friend, that's it... As much as I know...

- Let's find out for good...

She leaned over and briefly, but gently pressed her lips against his. He did not have time to react and just gave her a confused look.

- What was that?

- A kiss. Wasn't it obvious?

- I think it was too quick to be called like this.

- Oh... So... you want to do it again?

- Unless you don't want to...

- OK...

The element of surprise was gone, and she was feeling more embarrassed now. He was waiting for her.

She closed her eyes and bend down again, trying not to relax, even if she could not stop repeating in her mind that this was going to be the first real kiss of her life.

Their lips met, a little awkwardly for her, but it was definitely sweet.

She waited for him to stop. He was the one who had asked for it, after all...

She could not help wondering about what he could be thinking, as she opened her eyes to look at his face.

- Oh..." she murmured, frowning with concern, "I am sorry... You didn't like it?

- Why do you say that?

- You make the same face when you eat something that's not so tasty...

Knowing that your first kiss was less pleasant that eating cakes was not a wonderful thing...

L looked up, obviously annoyed too.

- That's not it... something is missing...

He touched his lower lip with his thumb, then glanced back at her.

- I got it.

Before she could answer, he rose, slid his left arm around her neck and kissed her again, putting more strength than before.

Shadow almost lost her balance and fell on her side. This time, he was definitely taking the lead.

She could not refrain from moaning when she felt the tip of his tongue brushing against hers, before ravishing her mouth.

This was feeling good. Very good. If he was doing the same things to all the food he was eating, then she wished she could be turned into candy...

After a long minute he finally broke the kiss.

- That's better." He declared, looking satisfied.

Totally unable to hide her flushed face, she smiled dreamily while asking:

- Better than sweets?

He grinned: she was looking a little ridiculous, but really cute.

- Better than sweets...

- I am glad... My... Where did you learn to kiss like that?

- I've never learnt anything. I just felt like doing what I did. That was my first kiss too...

- Really? Hmm...

There was a new domain where L was a genius. And she was the only lucky girl in the world who knew about it. Life was great.

They resumed their positions, as he was still supposed to rest. They were both feeling tired, as if kissing had cost them far more energy than one day of their normal activities.

- L..." Shadow called, toying with his hair.

- What again? Another problem?

- No... I was wondering if you were still upset...

- No..." he answered, half dozing off. "We should have tried this before... That's a nice way to get rid of tension...

He fell asleep just after those words. She carried on caressing him, thinking about all the time she had spent worrying about what had just happened.

So many months of trouble for two minutes of kissing... two minutes of pure delight...

She bit her lip, blushing only by thinking of what she had felt.

That had been really worth it.

She could not wait for more.


End file.
